I anticipated this moment for months.
Filled to the brim with a healthy blend of nerves and excitement, I was uncertain of what lied ahead but knew it was going to be good. I had complete confidence because of my faith in God and the wisdom I soaked up during my sanctification in the desert. The fear and anxiety that I was so familiar with had been crushed by the power of the Holy Spirit within me. I guess that is what the devil gets when he tries to be a roadblock on God’s perfect path for an imperfect person’s life.
Still, I had sweaty palms and that stirring feeling I used to get before I would perform on stage. I was excited, yet nervous. This concoction of emotions was the result of years of trying to figure out God’s why for my life and then both recognizing and accepting the answers nearly six months prior.
All of the build up and anticipation that led to the big day had disappeared as soon as we crossed the state line. It was like I had been holding my breath for so long that I forgot to keep count. A feeling I had felt my entire life but never acknowledged was there.
Suddenly, it was all lifted away.
The burden, the internal struggle, the fight for control…all of it was lifted from my shoulders and I could finally breathe again.
I imagined God’s hands extending down from heaven and Him smiling as if to say, “Here, let me take this from you.”
The thing is, I never knew I was holding my breath. I never knew I had felt weighed down.
But I guess how can you know when you’re grasping for control, clenching your fist, dragging your feet and refusing to take a leap of faith?
Do you know what I’m talking about? Have you felt these feelings before?
For my entire life, I thought I knew what I wanted. I believed I had any say or control in any part of my life. I’m sure failure, fear and free-will played some role in my quest to live my best life. You know, seize my moment because life is short and YOLO.
In that process of falsely believing I was in the driver’s seat, God sat back and watched as I crashed and burned more times than I care to remember. He allowed some right-of-way victories, which led me to fall into the cracks of my own self-righteousness, but He also yielded to the world’s destruction on more than one occasion. He did so so He could pick up the pieces, each itty bitty shard of brokenness.
Maybe your brokenness needs to be put back together, too. The pieces may be scattered here, there and everywhere but God will find all of them because it all belongs to Him. Each speck, each fragment, He will use to piece together into His perfect design. Piece by piece and bit by bit, He will never stop until His work is fully complete.
Even if that means we will break again because we decided to move before the glue has dried. Even if we roll away and fall into the muck and mire. Even if we choose to layer on the burdens of this world and dispose of the ease and simplicity God freely offers for a life fully surrendered to Him.
He will lift it all away…if we choose to lift our eyes and receive His goodness. With arms wide open, He will lift us up while the baggage we carry will be left behind and out of sight.
I never knew this to be true and never considered it to be possible until God moved my family back home to Michigan. It all began when I made the decision to trust. To trust in God’s greater plan that is far better than anything I could ever dream up or make happen on my own. I said “yes” even before I knew what that “yes” would mean. I guess that’s what faith is all about – never doubting the road God has you on but believing it will lead to a better place.
To a place unknown where your load is lightened and lifted away. No packing needed, no GPS necessary. Just eyes that see the hand extended to you and a heart that trusts the direction in which you are being led.
“I am the Lord your God. I am holding your hand, so don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.”
Isaiah 41:13 (CEV)
